A little backstory: Back in the (not so) distant days of high school, 16 year old Walter made a Tumblr account, and I kept up with updating it for the rest of high school and for a good part of college. Eventually, I created a private sub-account where I would document my college experiences for my close friends from back home to read on a weekly basis – at least for my freshman year, and the first part of sophomore year. Over the next few years, updates on that blog would come very few and far between, all of which came when I had some sort of “epiphany” and needed to document it. As you all may or may not know, I have since abandoned both of those accounts, as I have this one to update regularly.
Recently, I’ve decided to revisit both blogs – both the private and public ones – and see how far I’ve come since my Tumblr high school/early college days. I expected to find a lot of nostalgia (which I did), but I also found a whole lot of cringe. These posts were so unbelievably angsty, and I wrote as if I knew everything about the universe (admittedly, I probably still do that, but I’d like to think that I now have a little more perspective than I did when I was eighteen). As I was going through these posts, I thought why keep the cringe to myself when I can share it with all of the internet – or at least the internet that follows me on social media – since it’s already been floating around for the past several years.
The post that I will be commentating on today was published on June 4, 2012. I was approaching the end of my freshman year and, just as I still do, I was feeling very nostalgic about the year and felt like documenting it for all (who were interested) to read. This post was aptly titled, “A Little Nostalgic and Thoughtful.”
Even though this past school year went by so quickly, September of 2011 still feels like it was a lifetime ago.
I’m definitely in a different place in my life than I was then – I see things differently, I gained perspective. Reading through all of my old posts, I seemed so young – not in the literal sense (after all, not even a year has passed), but just in the way I carried myself and saw myself, and saw everything else. I mean, nothing drastic really happened to me. I didn’t fall in love, I didn’t really have a giant epiphany about the meaning of life, I wasn’t in the middle of some giant catastrophe, I didn’t really burn bridges with anyone (actually now that I think about it, I kinda did. But that’s beside the point). I just…lived.
I can definitely feel that I changed in some way though, I just can’t put my finger on it. Maybe it was moving to the other side of California, or all the amazing people I met, or maybe it was just me growing up, but I changed.
I absolutely hate how fast life is going and it’s definitely something I was not expecting. Looking back, there are some things I wish I could have changed or done differently, but just the little things. It’s the big things that I would never take back for anything in the world. I learned a lot. I grew. I matured. I learned that I can’t control every little thing that happens to me, and I can’t take back the things I never had. I learned to just follow where the wind takes me, and accept whatever change may occur.
I know this post is kind of all over the place – it’s probably due to the fact that my brain is absolutely fried from studying Chem, something I should be doing right now – but I just needed to get this out there. I just can’t wait to see where the wind takes me next.
Looking back and finding and reading this post made me realize several things. The first thing is that I’ve always been introspective, and never really liked to come out of a situation without having learned anything from it. Looking back on the past five years, I experience the same things I did when I wrote that blog post reflecting back on my freshman year of college. I had no idea the ride I would go on over the next couple of years, and the same holds true now. It was also during that time that I realized that I didn’t want regret anywhere in my vocabulary, and I’ve clung onto that over the past several years. Yes, there may have been little things here and there I did that I may not be very proud of, but I prefer to look at the bigger picture and see that those little things added up into the bigger things, and all of those things brought me here.
Reading these old posts also made me realize that it kind of feels like I’ve lived several lives over the course of my college career. The circle of friends I surrounded myself with changed several times, I changed my major and my career path a handful of times, and the way I looked at life was much different. Back then, the word “definitely” showed up a whole lot when it came to what I was “definitely” going to be doing over the next five years, and who I was “definitely” going to be staying in touch with further down the road. My plans changed. My friends changed. I changed. It took me awhile to figure out that nothing is ever definite, no matter how hard I want them to be. What I did take away from that is the only thing that is definite is God’s love for me and that He has a plan. I didn’t get there right away, but eventually I did.
I’m so thankful I had the foresight to keep some sort of record as I would go through college. Keeping these records helped me discover my voice, and maintain and evolve it over the years. It’s also fun to see what was going on in my life at any point in time and see what kind of progress I’ve made, cringey as those posts may be.
This may be a new series I’ll start on this blog, where I revisit old Tumblr posts and provide current and updated commentary on them – let me know in the comments if this is something you’d like to read. But until then, I hope you enjoyed this trip down memory lane as much as I have.